the two meanings of a breakup

The Two Meanings of a Breakup

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Breakups can have two distinctly different meanings. They can be exactly what they are, and the opposite of what they appear to be. A breakup can mean, “I’m done here. It’s really over.” Or, it can be a plea for proof of your love. This type of breakup is really saying, “I love you. You’re hurting me. I want to stay but this is killing me. Step up to the plate and prove you love me or I’ll be forced to break up with you.”

How does one read the correct message imbedded in the breakup? How can you tell if the breakup is definitive, or a threat set up as a test? You have to know your partner’s commitment in order to decipher their underlying feelings. The breakup threat can be a plea for help covered in layers of hurt and anger. Women are prone to take this action when confused and frustrated. It’s a last-ditch effort. You are being challenged to step up your game, or lose them. You are being asked to fight for the love you share, because by all outer appearances you’re getting lazy, unappreciative or backing off.

It’s imperative to read the underlying emotional markers. If you know your mate, this isn’t difficult. Ask the nature of the real problem, when in doubt. To falsely read the signal of a breakup as concrete is to disallow the possibility of another hidden meaning and desire. Men will often defer to a “preemptive” breakup as a way to protect themselves from a woman who has the potential to hurt them. It’s based in the peculiarity of the male ego. The ego demands control. Fight or flight instincts overtake rationale. The male ego senses a loss of self, loss of identity or loss of power. The impulse is to flee becomes overwhelming. This breakup is a means by which to restore a sense of empowerment. Same questions apply; ask the real nature of what’s going on. Reassure your mate. Talk about the problems, and be open to listening. You too, may be asked to make adjustments.

Which are you experiencing and what do you want to do about it? If you care enough to ask, do so. If not, this relationship isn’t important enough for you to save. Too much trouble, too much hassle. No relationship comes without its ups and downs. The false breakup threat is in highest occurrence when the relationship leaves the honeymoon phase and things get real. Partners start to show who they really are, and quit pretending to be who you want them to be. This critical juncture is a time of tremendous internal and external adjustment. Partnership is getting real and real questions may be asked, such as where is this going? Re-calibrations need to be made as each party has to reestablish their own identity within the relationship, and to reestablish their boundaries and goals. It’s a natural event and has its time and place. These adjustments are consistent within a relationship that’s growing. The power shifts within the partnership are being stabilized. What is out of balance is seeking to balance itself. Demands may be made. Goals may be re-clarified.

When is a breakup a real breakup and when is it a cry for love? Ask, if you don’t know. Ask, if you care to know. If it’s really over, at least you know that as well. If there is anything that can be done to reconnect to your partner, asking what is needed will provide the information you seek. Either way, the answers to the truth of the matter will appear. For good or bad, preferred or not preferred, you will know where you stand and what step to next take.

Source by Susan E Winter